Would You Like My Band To Play At Your Party or Wedding?

I've been keeping it a secret, but I'm now a full-fledged member of a rock band called HB12. My band is now available to play at parties -- even weddings. Like any good band, I have a "rider" with my required conditions.

• My band must be fed the same meals as other party attendees. None of this "special crappy meals" for the entertainers stuff for us. If you are having a buffet, we want to be in the first third of the line. If it is a sit-down dinner, we expect the same as everyone else -- none of this "cheap pasta meals" crap for us.
  

• My band will play multiple sets of 4 to 5 songs each. A 45-minute break is required between each set so that we can recover from carpal tunnel syndrome.

• Our set list is eclectic but limited -- but all songs are guaranteed to rock. We have taken the liberty of identifying appropriate songs for the special moments of your event. For example, if you are getting married, we recommend "Bulls On Parade" (made famous by Rage Against the Machine) for when your bridesmaids enter the church. Besides helping to make your bridesmaids feel less pretty by likening them to bulls, the melody is odd and uneven and it will be hard for them to walk gracefully -- thereby making the bride look even more elegant and graceful. For the first kiss between bride and groom, we'll launch into the Red Hot Chili Pepper's "Suck My Kiss." All songs are recognizable if you have a fondness for classic rock or heavy metal. Our slowest song is "Story of My Life" by Social Distortion -- appropriate for a first dance between the bride and groom.
  

• To ensure the highest quality of musical accompaniment for your special moment, we will play all songs on Easy mode rather than the more challenging Medium mode -- thereby ensuring that jarring wrong notes are kept to a minimum.

• My band promises to dress appropriately for your event. My onstage persona -- Midori -- is quite interesting to look at and is appropriate for a christening, bar mitzvah, wedding or corporate event.

Your Guests Will Be Amazed At My Onstage Persona

• The band must be paid in cash before the event. Our charge is a very reasonable $150 (plus meal). No refunds will be given.

In short, your event will be guaranteed to rock -- in 4 to 5 song increments with 45-minute recovery periods between sets. Call 867-5309 to book now.